The mighty HKDC mobsters. Determined, fearless, scared of nothing. Apart from flying Philippine Airlines that is……..Whilst team manager, Mr. John Fawcett, opted for first class on Cathay, the rest of the team were forced to endure 90 minutes of terror at the hands of Captain Roberto de la Cruz the Third. He insisted he had flown an aircraft before but I am not so sure. In order to calm the nerves, the surly cabin crew furnished the team with cans of warm “Lonestar” beer. The can read, “Lonestar- The number one beer in Texas-brewed at the Bing Bong Brewery, Manila.” Anyway, we arrived on schedule in one piece; although it is fair to say a few team members were in pieces. Immigration waved us through and it was all aboard the Mobsters bus complete with Police escort to base camp, the Paco Park Hotel. Salubrious it aint. It was also very close to becoming the scene of a grizzly murder on the very first evening when Stu "killer" McGuinnes very nearly ended the life of a young lady with a knee to the jaw (unintentional apparently). On hand however was Dr. Michael Clarke who after finishing his hot dog ran to assist the poor lass and all was well. Nick Park also helped on scene with his talking phone by calling everyone a c*nt.
This year the Mobsters were on a mission. After coming close in last years tournament and then winning the veterans tour in February, we felt that we stood a strong chance of taking the trophy home. The team was composed of players from a number of Yau Yee teams, namely HKDC Mobsters, HKDC Squadron, Colloids FC, USRC, Club Albion and the German All Stars. There was also one bald chappy from the Toronto Hooligans? Silly name for a team if you ask me.
Game one saw us up against Boracay FC. Boracay FC were not (as you may think) from sunny Boracay. They were from a little country called Scotland. If proof were ever needed that the Scots are a pale race then enter Boracay FC. Fresh off the plane from the Highlands these lads were whiter than the lines on the pitch. The heat was bound to be a factor in this game. I gather a few of them had actually suffered third degree burns the night before when they turned the lights on in their hotel rooms.
The game kicked off and it was clearly going to be a physical match. Both sides putting in some tough tackles and gutsy headers. Boracay tried their best to confuse the Mobsters by talking in some strange foreign language but the Mobsters remained composed, with the exception of coach Joey Livesey. We have all seen managers in the Premiership being warned by the fourth official for encroaching on the edge of the pitch. Joey took this one step further, or rather 28 steps further, as he was barking out his orders from the middle of the pitch rather than from the sidelines. He was encroaching, or rather encamped, in the centre circle for long periods of play, he was even rumoured to have been involved in a one-two for the first goal. Mobsters were stroking the ball around nicely and a goal from Andy “Ant Eater” Mitchell settled the nerves. This was soon followed by a second from Dane super striker Kaspa Bangsoe. Despite being a physical game there was no real malice in the challenges. The only flashpoint came when coach Joey kindly offered to take the Boracay defender and all his mates down the pub after the game for “a good shoeing.” Hospitality the Mersey way. So a solid 2-0 victory and a good start to the day.
Game two saw us up against another expat team, the Saigon Saints. HKDC Mobsters dominated play for the entire game. Chances were going begging. Shots reigning in. No one could quite believe it was 0-0 at half time. We were doing everything but score. The same pattern continued in the second half until Charlie Tabbington Tab fired home much to the relief of the Mobsters players and supporters. With seconds on the clock however the Saints broke forward and scored with their only real chance of the game. The ball was rushed back to the centre spot to try and regain the advantage but the full time whistle was blown and the Mobsters had received a sucker punch; conceding with the last kick of the game when they should have run out 5-0 winners. Whilst a little deflated at the nature of the draw, the performance was solid without being clinical and we had had our warning early on. Better to get this lapse out of the way early before the knockout stages.
Next up were the Shanghai Voodoo. Always a pretty strong team on the tour circuit so we were wary. It was another solid performance though and goals from the Ant Eater and Nathan “Virgin Boy” Hayward ensured we walked away with a comfortable 2-0 victory. This paved the way for a little bit of a grudge match against HKDC Squadron. Grudge match as we had “borrowed” a couple of Squadron players for this tour. It was pretty clear from the offset that the Mobsters would win this game as Squadron weren’t taking it too seriously and came dressed as Borat (Yagshemash, Pepsi Max etc). Tight shorts, stick on moustaches and wigs abounded. As did some really poor Borat impressions (if you want impressions, leave it to Iceman from the Mobsters (Borat, Jimmy Saville, Joey Livesey I do them all)). Things were fairly even to start with and chances were had at both ends. The deadlock was broken once again by the Ant Eater with a clinical finish after some nice work down the left flank. A second was soon added by Matt the Mullet with a rocket into the bottom corner. The game was then finally put to bed by Virgin Boy who picked up the ball in his own half skipped passed one, nut-megged Mike Hansen before firing home across the keeper with his left foot. A superb goal. Special mention also has to go to Charlie Tab, who in his own gypsy/fairground pikey language decided to rename the nutmeg the “nut-mug.” Charlie, you mug!
Quarter final time. Getting serious now. Cebu were the opposition, although they provided very little of it. Mobsters destroyed them. Won every challenge, every header. The team was flowing like MC Hammer back in the early 90’s. Some stunning goals were flying in, most notably an absolute rocket from the teams sole Pakistani player, Ben ‘Gupta’ Goddard who really came out of his shell in this game. A great achievement considering he only ever played cricket when growing up in Lahore. Just like Ian Wright, came into football late and made his mark. Other goals from Ant Eater and Kaspa and the Mobsters strolled into the semis, final result 5-0.
The Semis. Swiss Kickers the opposition. Unlike the previous game, the Swiss Kickers were a very good side. Formerly known as KFC Tokyo, these boys had won the tournament on a number of previous occasions. This was by far the toughest test of the tournament so far. The Mobsters looked a little uneasy in the first 10 minutes, nerves were showing. We were within spitting distance of the final and composure was lacking. The score remained 0-0 at half time and the troops were told to “calm down, calm down” by coach Joey. Second half and we were playing better. Passing the ball nicely. The deadlock was finally broken by Charlie Tab with a right foot strike. Relief washed over the team. This was wiped out five minutes later though when the Swiss scored a really soft goal from a corner. The ball was not cleared and a weak header squeezed in beyond the reach of Kojak in goal. Kojak was however wearing a fur coat in goal which may have impeded his movement. The game continued to to and fro. Chances at both ends but yet again who should step up to save the day…..the Ant Eater with a clinical finish. The mobsters went wild, the Swiss went home to eat Cheese. We had made the final!
In fading light and with the floodlight (singular) bathing the pitch in, well, not much light, the Mobsters kicked off against the Taipei Animals. It’s not uncommon to see the odd ex-pro/celebrity take to the pitch at such tournaments…. The Animals bizarrely recruited John Malkovich for this game, or maybe it was just someone “Being John Malkovic.” The bald fella from Conair was loving every moment, joking with the crowd and generally behaving like a clown. It seemed that the Mobsters wanted this far more than the Animals. It was clear after five minutes that we had the beating of them. Our only concern was that Mr. Kumar was the referee. Mr. Kumar famously sent off Charlie Tab in last years tournament simply because Charlie’s bald patch gave him a funny look. One other concern was the appalling music blaring out of the PA system. Despite the fact that this was the grand final, they were playing Ocho Ocho or something of similar distinction at a ridiculous volume. Iceman was dispatched to tell them to sort this out (his request for Jay-Z was however declined). With the music off, the Mobsters set about their work. Super Kaspa Bangsoe got them off to a dream start with a contender for goal of the tournament. An absolute rocket from 20 yards which rifled in off the crossbar. A wonder strike. Before the first crate of San Miguel had even been ordered the Ant Eater stepped up to smash in yet another. This game was ours and we were not going to let a 2 goal lead slip away. The second half was a similar story. Malcovic was being a prat and we were all over them again. A header from Kaspa made it 3-0 and we knew it was ours. Mr. Kumar duly blew up and the pitch was invaded by the Mobsters faithful. San Miguel was sprayed skyward (we don’t do Champagne) and even a few tears were shed by the Mobsters no.1 fan, Phil the Iceman. Finally the Mobsters had done it. We walked away with the winners trophy, best player award (Ant Eater), top scorer (Ant Eater) and best goalkeeper (Kojak) award. A clean sweep. A return to the form of yesteryear for the Ant Eater, although most put this down to the fact that he was being managed by a "real" coach for a change. So it was off to Burgos to dance the night away and celebrate with a victory "Bru" or two.
Huge thanks goes out to John Fawcett and Dean Locke of HKDC for financing the Mobsters tour. Clarkey for organiasing again. A ‘big-up’ to coach Joey for his professional guidance over the two days and of course to the Manila Nomads for hosting the event. Particular mention must also be given to Nomad Albert Robert who has organized this event for the last 20 years and has finally had the sense to let someone else do it next year!
MOB………………....STERS!
